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Sunday, July 8th, 2001
10:47 pm
i just copied this whole journal to save to a disk. i copied it into apple works. it took up 117 pages. craziness.

i'm taking all of my things i save for sentimental reasons and locking them up in a box so that i can't let the memories of anything hurt me anymore until i can handle them for what they are really. i would never ever throw any of my things away that i would regret one day. like, little meaningful gifts and stuff. letters. all my sad music on my imac is going into a seperate folder until i can take the advice of the beetles song.

glancing thru my journal as i was copying it - i really was a wreck last year.

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10:12 pm - numbers for thought


idiosyncratica


is my new journal handle thingy. yea. i don't remember how to do links anymore. been so long.

current mood: nostalgic

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Friday, July 6th, 2001
9:29 pm - my last entry here.
alright, i'm going to start writing in my other journal starting with my next entry. like a new life or something. not really. i don't spend my whole life living for this journal, though it does keep me inspired. now to just move into action. i've done a lot better since summer began,as far as my laziness and depression.
Ive spent a lot of time thinking about that. I use to sit in front of my computer all day in the dorms. I use to stay in my room all day. If I was in graces room, Id be on her computer. Same for her too. She always stayed on the computer. Depression was a foreign feeling to me. I know I have not felt it as much as some have, but for me, anything was too much. And Im so happy now. I dont really know what was wrong with me. I was lying on marcias floor the other morning and she came in all happy and talking to me and I just so vividly remembered a few months ago, I would be in the same place, only frowning and sad. She would try to cheer me up and I would cry. Or I would just sulk. I tried to go out and have fun and get excited but nothing worked. I was so horribly miserable with myself and my life. Was this my fault? Was it my fault my life was feeling so horribly low? I dont know. If it was I would like to know how to avoid getting there again. I would stay away from home on my breaks because I would just sit in my room and cry if I didnt, and going to marcias only helped me to push it away. But it was so forceful that I couldnt have fun or be happy. I couldnt think about anything at all. I felt so shallow and low. I wondered when I could ever just ramble and go crazy again. And that I remembered. I remembered that thought yesterday when I was in the passenger seat of marcias car rambling away with my arm hanging out the window and the sun on my skin and my feet in the seat making faces at the passing cars. And I smiled. I try to do that more lately. I dont know what happened to me last year, but I feel like such a different person now. The only time I thought that I was happy was when I was with matt. Id like to say that I was happy. But I said I thought I was happy. I dont know what is real. Or rather, I didnt. I like to say that I was because I wouldnt have anything to think about when I was with him. However, the second I drove away nothing would seem right, and Id instantly be low again. This, either way, is my fault. Or I actually dont know where the fault of my feelings go, and they really dont matter anymore, because they are gone. Along with him. That, I say, must be for the best then. As much as I hate saying that, I will. If learning involves all Ive been through then I want my lesson to be over. Because it is too much for crystal to handle. And I dont know how anyone period liked me at all. Perhaps I was locking down my own brain and life in my head. I dont know. I just wish I was no ones enemy. Thats probably the second worst feeling. But I realize everyone has been shaped to think and react and act differently, and as much as I dont like to accept and understand that, I guess I have to. I cant think like many people. If I do something wrong to someone I would like to know what it is so that I can notice it in myself and make it better. I want to be good to everyone and some people just dont understand that it isnt that hard. I like being liked and being a good person and having no one say they want to beat me up. I want people to think of me as genuine and sincere. I want this because that is how I want everyone else to feel. I notice one thing I think of a lot for instance is Jennifer mentioned something to Daniel the other night about some guy never going to be able to get a girlfriend, and I was instantly like, thats not right Jennifer, everyone needs someone and deserves the same. I was disappointed in their comments. Ill see someone I dont even know and think I hope they get swept away. I dont know why I think of these things. I just find myself thinking them. Everyone needs things. I want everyone in the world to be happy. I want everyone to feel needed. I want everyone to feel loved. It feels impossible to change inside as much as I feel like I have. But it feels good. I feel like Im ready to start something. Ready for life. Ready for anything. Ready to make a difference and be a difference. I dont know what I feel like. I just hope it does not end anytime soon. Marcia says Im the only one she knows with my head screwed on straight. I asked why I never felt that way myself. Now I think I sort of do. Is this called confidence? Ive waited for this. I hope it gets better. Im ready to knock socks off.

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9:21 pm - if i could?
i couldn't wait any longer.

i cut. i tasted. i smiled.

if they asked me that question, "if you could give the world anything, what would it be?"

i would say, "i wish that every person in the whole world could have a taste of my carrot cake fresh out of the oven."

they would say, "why?"

and i would smile.

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9:17 pm - if you don't cry then you just don't feel it deep enough
My carrot cake is done. Icing is delicious! I use to buy the rainbow chunk icing and eat it as a snack with my fingers. I had not eaten icing in forever until just now. Licking it off of my fingers made me think of edible underwear� hehe� josie, who I work with at jcpenney went to a lingerie shower the other night and on her break went looking for things to buy for it. She bought some edible underwear and was talking about the bras. I think that would be sooo much fun. However, it would feel really funny and silly at first I�m sure, even just thinking about the whole, �I�m wearing these so that you can eat them off and make me feel good� idea is funny in itself, perhaps the whole time. Fun but pretty ridiculous when you get down to it. Ya know? So, I�m waiting for my granny to get home and get my messages before I eat any of my cake. I�ll make some coffee and invite her over. I like my granny a lot. My parents are at the hospital because my great grandmother is really bad off now. She was amazing. She lived at the sound in topsail and we use to go swimming with her all the time. She would come spend the night with me sometimes too. She was a wacky lady. Anyway, I wish that she�d come home soon, I am hungry!

I�m trying to decide if I want to keep this journal going or start a new one. I get bored of things fast I think. As soon as I develop a roll of pictures and see that they come out as a negative, I�m bored with the whole roll. Sometimes I�ll be excited and ready to print something, but usually I�ll get bored with it really fast. I don�t know what my problem is. I can�t wait to get my pictures put up on my webpage. I�m impressed with a lot of them. Kathleen is putting some of them into shows. And she still wants some of them on the cape fear website. Coolio. So anyway, I�ve got another journal. Two other journals actually. idiosyncratica, which I have had for a long time, but was using it for some crazy thing that we never did(grace and I), and I have another secret one which I don�t write in anymore, and I�m sort of embarrassed by it now so I think I�ll delete it. Think its time for a new one? I haven�t really had much to write lately.

current mood: blank

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Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
7:12 pm - she asked me what?!
i left my keys in amy�s car.
so i got to drive charly to work today.
i was scared.
charly the rolling trooper is very old.
and VERY loud.

i�m about to go to justin�s for a fourth of july thing.
him and marcia are getting to be very good friends to me.

i spent more money.

my new bell bottoms are awesome.

i rode to wallace with my mom last night.
we had the usual awkward car conversation.
when i was younger i use to wish she would initiate a �mother daughter talk.�
she never did.
i learned everything from friends and myself.
and i still feel dumb.

last night she said, �have you seen matt at all this summer?�
the name made me jump inside.
i responded, �who�s matt?�
she changed the subject.

i wish she was more openly concerned about my life.
i wish that she didn�t feel so awkward talking to me.
i would like to be able to talk to her about my problems.
she doesn�t believe in problems.
so i pretend i don�t have any.

water is disgusting.


current mood: full

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12:02 am - long written past
i wrote this yesterday. i have a lot of things i've written that i never post. first my mom won't let me on the internet until late, which is one reason i miss school and having internet in the dorm. so when i'm thinking a lot i just sit and type in apple works. i wonder if my journal is as interesting as some i've seen. i wonder if it could be published. i should start limiting my viewers to friends. i should start posting everything i write and print it all out one day to have my life story.

one of my new friends had this posted in her journal and i want to remember it...

The stones they threw at me--when I
picked it up, one of them was a jewel.
--Japanese poem, anonymous

...

oh kiss me and smile for me tell me that youll wait for me hold me like youll never let me go.

ouch.

hits deep.

my positive thinking is getting a workout today.

positivity: reminds me most of the best feelings ive ever gotten to encounter within myself. who cares if it wasnt a shared effort, it gives me my basis of comparison for the rest of my life. pray that my basis is reached and exceeds the impact of those previous best feelings.

but this song makes me want to be next to you. i crave and long and would beg. but i know that is wrong now. it wouldnt feel the same. i wish you would have told me if it ever felt good. but you never wanted to tell me very much. so it must have been wrong from the beginning. and i guess it was. i always wanted to play this song for you and hold you close and just look in your eyes. it was always best when we just tangled up and slept. sometimes i pretend im in a movie and one day in the blue out in vegas or california well run into each other and everything will play out just right and well end up in the desert or some crazy place and make up for all the lost and never given passion. and of course it would be beautiful. but it may just be my passion. did you ever feel passion? it doesnt matter anymore. i probably wouldnt want to know what you really felt. and its too much to think right now. i just know the simplest things were the best times. and it is just my personality to blow things up bigger than they are. i guess thats my problem. but how can you expect the most from yourself when you cant dream big? kissing you was never as passionate as the feelings inbetween the distance between our fingers when they are wanting to reach for yours and then we both make the final reach and lock them together in and out over and around. sometimes i wish too that we could just come to a simple understanding. since i obviously dont understand anything youve ever said, this will just be my fantasy idea... just the understanding that things would probably never work between us because of all those good things like... youve things to do and ive things to do. things to learn. places to explore. people to become. experience and growth. all that good mess that will make us who we will become... but be mature and happy with each other and have fun and knowing needs of ourselves have those occasions of reaching for the touch of fingers. but that usually takes caring for the other at least a little, and i cant comprehend how you could care for me now. or why you would hide it if you do. or how you could hide it and watch me searching for it. continuously. but these are my fantasy dreams. i barely remember you. i remember the feelings. which were probably all my own. but these ramblings i feel occassionally forced inside to think about will eventually stop. soon im sure. they get a little less each day. naturally. anywhat. and im sure its fun to see me searching for you to come back to say hi. to know how much ive wanted and how much ive longed and how much ive hated. but i hate no one.

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Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
11:56 pm
i had stromboli for the first time today. i feel sick. i just made my mom some sushi. she liked it. i thought it was the worst i've ever eaten. if you want good sushi w/o a sushi bar go to your local harris teeter and get it premade. california rolls aren't exactly the "real thing sushi" but they are sooooo good and not very expensive. so so good. yum.

current mood: sick

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11:28 pm - the choice is up to you my friend
the 80s and 90s had the best tv shows. all the theme songs were so happy and hopeful and goodness. here's my favorite two so far... the first one is a giveaway to the title... if you're reading this then guess what show the second song is from...

You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.
There's a time you got to go and show
You're growin' now you know about
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.
When the world never seems
to be livin up to your dreams
And suddenly you're finding out
the Facts of Life are all about you, you.
It takes a lot to get 'em right
When you're learning the Facts of Life. (learning the Facts of Life)
Learning the Facts of Life (learning the Facts of Life)


okay, guess what show this song is from...

Theres a time for love and a time for living.
You take a chance and face the wind.
An open road and a road thats hidden
A brand new life around the bend.
There were times when I lost a dream or two.
Found the trail, and at the end was you.
Theres a path you take and a path untaken
The choice is up to you my friend.
Nights are long but youre on your way
To a brand new life,
Brand new life,
Brand new life around the bend.

current mood: chipper

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2:29 pm
humans are very cruel beings.

very cruel.

i just slept for 14 hours straight, no waking and falling back asleep. dead sleep for 14 hours. what does that say?

i realize people are cruel.

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Monday, July 2nd, 2001
11:17 pm - one of these days i'm gonna stop saying one of these
PBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLTHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

::EVIL GLARING::

current mood: annoyed

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10:32 pm - SWEET TALK ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT IF YOU TOUCH ME HOW I WANT TO BE TOUCHED, I'M YOURS
i love capt'n crunch berries

i signed my lease this morning for a duplex in boone. i think it has potential. i HOPE it has potential. it was probably the worst choice ive ever made. but, i can get out of it if need be with a little work. boone gets one more chance. it should be fun living on campus we can invite people over all the time and it will be different than a dorm. im sort of excited.

camping did not happen. close yet didnt happen. we found the most awesome spot in the whole world... a secluded little area you have to cross the rocks in a river to get to and during high times take a canoe or raft across to a little private and personal lagoon. it was so great, but i invited jaramie and jessica and we werent sure if theyd be up for the swim across and they didnt arrive until almost dark. so we just stayed at bens apartment all weekend. ben was hardly there though.

last night was unusual but seems to be becoming normal lately. which is strange considering ive never felt like guys have been that attracted to me before. and still dont really feel that way, considering again that every guy who seems to show an interest decide they dont know me within the following days. i want to be liked for my personality. marcia says that justins roomate at the barracks was talking interestingly about me, and she also said that seth hinson would like to take me out sometime. keeping that in mind. bens roomate. he looks like someone, im thinking a taller similar yet probably only my opinion chris carrabba in looks, but completely opposite in the personality i gather chris to have. he seems to have a lot of insecurities (bens roomate). he seems involved with putting on a big impression that to me seems to overdo it but maybe underneath all that is a sensitive vulnerable person just like everyone else is inside probably. so, he showed interest in me, but wanted what he wanted as always and didnt seem to care what i had to say about it. but i stood up to my standards ive been trying to set for myself. i dont really care if he ever talks to me again. if he likes me and really is interested in hanging out with me then he will. i just started to get turned off fast after a while. im sick of guys. i want meaning. whats wrong with just hanging out with someone trying to get to know them and falling asleep next to each other without trying to stick a tongue down my throat? not that i never want that but im just sick of it being so meaningless. so he kissed me. or tried. i only gave a little and then refused more. i want someone who cares about what i want and what i feel and what has made me who i am. he just acted upset i shot him down four times and when i told him he gives up too easily got upset when i shot him down again. he didnt listen to anything i was saying. but thats how it goes right? i just wasnt in the mood to be amusing. to others or myself. i dont know if i even care to explore behind his outside impression anytime in the future. he seemed scared to touch me more than to pull my hair or pinch my arm or poke my side. but i think that the kind of touching i like is too much for meaningful times to be used to get someones way. i want soft touches and tenderness. but its all about running away from emotional attachment. in the past three weeks ive heard that three times. robert says that he cant get emotionally attached to anyone anymore and that its a bad place to go. robert has always interested me so i'm sort of looking forward to school to start so that we can hang out and maybe i'll be able to figure out why he does. hugh says he cant talk about things with me because it might make an emotional attachment and bens roomie says he has learned one thing to make life easier is to avoid emotional attachment. well, guys just dont know how to handle it is all. so learn!

i have been so high all day. well, since about 2. i think i've been high all weekend. amy is a hardcore pothead. why refuse? i'm sort of down right now though, i'm glad. i like my natural state. i hate not being able to focus long enough to find the road to the parkway when i go there all the time! and i hate being hungry. and i hate being able to feel my food go slowly down my throat so it feels like i'm choking. sometimes it is fun but other times it feels so pointless.

well, leona is going swimming next door so i think i might go over there... nothing like swimming in the night.

current mood: frustrated

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Saturday, June 30th, 2001
7:16 pm - road trip again
waiting for amy so we can head off to boone. we are going to camp this weekend. probably stay with ben tonight and find a primitive camping spot tomorrow. swim in some clear rocky rivers in blowing rock and lay out on the cliff. the usual laid back activities when visiting boone. maybe i won't go back. i don't know.
.
heh. i'm not jealous of her silly, if anything, only you. but what i don't know, perhaps your control. this girl is only upset for herself and her selfishness for reaching for all she knows you have inside. and everything you didn't even know you did that made her smile all over. she got only glimpses of it for herself, sometimes much more than others. and it overcame the times when it was at it's worse. but now she doesn't even get the smallest but still she sees it in you, and that triggers the long and deep lasting longing. she's only upset that it has to be this way now, because she always hated this in others. but alas, talking in third person does nothing for understanding. maybe all her longing was imaginary from the start. perhaps she's not the lovely person you once said she was. perhaps we'll never know all of what was never said. hearts.

current mood: anxious

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Friday, June 29th, 2001
11:59 pm - this girl wants romance and mr. toad's wild ride
.
do you ever feel like you are numb to everything? not exactly that nothing matters, but that nothing affects you at all?
.
for instance, i rear ended someone yesterday during the rainstorm in wilmington. i had all of kerr avenue backed up. my brakes just decided to give out even though i had plenty of room to stop and we were already going slow for the rain to begin with. i just sat in my car with no emotion for about 5 minutes before getting out. the other girl's name was crystal too, about the same age. she just sat in her car on the phone. that's the only thing that got me out of my car, i didn't want her to be calling the police for such a small thing. luckily her mom just came by to check it out and i got a message today saying not to even worry about it. i just don't have any feelings anymore. i wasn't upset, i wasn't scared or happy. i actually forgot about it on the drive from kerr to marcia's. and it wasn't an unnoticable thing. her car was scratched up. isn't that bad? i get a b in photography even though my professor told me that i was the best artistically talented student she's ever taught, because of my abseces and tardies and i feel nothing. she is even going to locate an african american famous photographer and send her slides of my final project because she said she's 90% sure the lady would like to have my "quality works" incorporated someway with her work somewhere along the road. maybe a show. maybe her new inspiration. but i never cared that i was late and i never cared that i knew it was going to affect my grade. and i know i'm better but i just don't do anything about it. i've lost all my passion towards everything. i come home once or twice a week, i am borrowing 200 dollars from my grandma for my speeding ticket, i drink for no reason when i hang out with marcia and justin, and amy and justin, and i practically pretty much slept with a guy i knew for 6 hours and haven't talked to since. and i feel nothing. i don't feel sad. i don't exactly feel ecstatic either. i'm just here. what is my purpose?
.
i should have known.
.
and i try to remember but i really can't. and i don't know why i try. because it's only me that tries to remember my passion.
.
looking through my harper's bazaar - julia roberts is beautiful. her "man" obviously didn't love her if he will only be with her if he can have the "husband/wife" label. what is in a label? always being there is more important than marriage. i'd hate to know that someone would dump me if i wouldn't marry them right away. spend the rest of your life with me but you can't spend time with me before then?
.
peace to you all.
.
love.
.

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Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
12:59 am - sixteen hours
i just got in from my class. i've been in the darkroom for over 16 hours. my head hurts from the dark and the chemicals but i printed over 70 prints. i started the day swimming at shell island with marcia and ended the day at midnight with bradley and miranda. we sat by the river downtown and smoked up. not that i had to smoke, but it did keep me awake for my drive home, i just wanted to hang out with m and b. bradley is such a dollbaby and he use to go to leis macrae or however you spell it, about 15 minutes from boone. he might go with me and amy to boone this weekend. that could be a lot of fun. so now i am way mellow and alone. i'm way mellow. woah. my head still hurts tho. but things are good. everything is good.

......

well you know that is what i wanted to hear from you more than anything. what i wanted to feel and share. but it was never like that and i couldn't try alone. i can't make my own feelings for you. and you will never know how it feels. you describe your own the same as i described mine. only yours aren't to a wall. and you can never feel this pain unless the same is done to you. but i don't wish that for you. no one deserves that. and i realize i'm not the pathetic one. i never thought i'd meet the asshole my friends said you were and i really haven't directly. i just hope she never has to see that. never has to feel this. never has to hide this. never realizes you are just another guy in the crowd. just like EVERYONE else. because any decent human being wouldn't make this for someone else. but there aren't many of those out there.

well excuse me think i've mistaken you for somebody else. somebody who gave a damn. somebody little more like myself.

current mood: high

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Monday, June 25th, 2001
10:51 pm - when nothing seems inspiring.
i don't want to type. the light is blinding my eyes. the floor is freezing my feet. and the darkness is smothering my motivational inspiration. money is stressful. tickets are stressful. work is stressful. photography class finals and projects are stressful. boys are stressful. parents are stressful.

but 7am swims between the sandbars at shell island are the most refreshing ways to start the day. so, i'm going to sleep now so that once again i can get up early enough to jump in the calm relaxing water before i speed off to class. speed off without going over the speed limit of course... learnt lesson not quite set in yet.

current mood: okay

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Saturday, June 23rd, 2001
12:14 am - random song lyrics
(yum... something smells really really really good coming in my room under my door... hmmmm...)

Give me a reason...

It's not romantic here in blue
Swimming, swimming in blue
You left me lonely and confused
Question, questioning you
So soon goodbye you stole my heart
I'm believing you
Was it a lie right from the start
Answer, answer me do...

Well now my body's weak - so just give me a reason
And my make-up's off - so just give me a reason
And my defense's down - so just give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason

You'll never know the love I felt
Waiting, waiting for you
It takes a weak heart to forget
Follow, follow it through

Well now my body's weak - so just give me a reason
And my make-up's off - so just give me a reason
And my defense's down - so just give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason...

[Violin solo]

So what's a girl like me to do
Drowning, drowning in you
And who's to save me from the blue
Carry, carry me through

Cause now my body's weak - so just give me a reason
And my make-up's off - so just give me a reason
And my defense's down - so just give me a reason
I am strong enough - so just give me a reason
Now my body's weak - so just give me a reason
And my make-up's off - so just give me a reason
My defense's down - so just give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason
Give me a reason
What did I do wrong...

.
.
.
All in a day, she saw the face in the mirror lie
To her dismay, she saw the child that was in her die
And she cried... overnight
'Cos what she sees... she doesn't like

I'm twisting (twisting..., twisting...)
I'm turning (turning..., turning...)
I'm aching (aching..., aching...)
And it's burning
In one day..., in one day

Just let me float, just let me drift on by (just let me drift on by...)
No more, no pain
I don't have tears to cry (tears to cry...)

.
.
.
the corrs aren't exactly my favorite, but some of their lyrics are so perfect for the moment. tanks lindsay lindsay ; )

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12:08 am - part from "no more cry" - the corrs
I wanna feel just like before
Before the rain came in my door
Shook me up turned me around
Made me cry till I would drown
Stole the daylight, brought the night
So much anger I would fight
Lost my youth and the blue
Saw all the loneliness in you
Wanna help you give my love
Shine some light out from the mud
Fill the empty find a rhyme
A brigther day a better time
But I'm wondering where I'm gone
Can't find the truth within my song
And all I have give to you
To let you know you're not alone

current mood: blank

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Friday, June 22nd, 2001
11:40 pm - i'm so inclined, but i wouldn't want it for me even if it was
just some things i've written over the past few days...

i just read something. this something made me really sorry. i feel sorry for you for that which i just read which you would remember if you so wanted to. feburary made me shiver.

this summer has already made me a different person. i feel wonderful. this summer makes up for every bad day i had the past year. i feel so much stronger as a person. im fairly motivated and happy. i am almost my old self xs ten. ive done a bunch and had a lot of great times and pretty good experiences. im watching myself grow and have and learn lessons. its liberating. my goals are focusing in clearer. im starting to make my own opinions and really thinking about my personal standards and doing things my way again. ive always done things my own way, but my opinions use to be stronger. im getting focused on what i want and what i deserve and where im going and how i want to be and all that good stuff.

shes a nightmare hippie girl. shes a whimsical tragical beauty. shes a magical sparkling tease.

my photography teacher wants me to talk to some head guy to get my photos on the cape fear web site. oooh la la. big time now. im really proud of myself. i did an awesome awesome portrait of victoria, the black girl i had the photo shoot with last week. it is so pretty and just wow. i guess it could always be better, but its pretty good for my first times in the darkroom.

im mad at hugh because he gained three pounds and wont let me shoot his portraits yet. what ever. asshole. i mean, hes the funniest guy ive met in a long time, maybe my whole life...i mean, who else his age would put a frozen food box in a glass and be really cheesy about it not being ice just to make someone laugh? hes really lovely, and he makes me comfortable. i dont care that he has a corvette and an explorer and a house and huge soft and very comfortable leather couches and a movie theatre for a television and a king size bed. i dont care that hes a wonderful kisser and as spontaneous as me. hes still an assbutt. i can see right through his protection shield he tries to wear. marcia tricked him into coming over to her apartment the other night without knowing that i was there and she fussed him out for being a jerk. she said he was offended. i didnt care because, i dont need to be an obligation of someones friendliness. if someone doesnt want to be nice to me because they have issues they cant deal with, fine. dont be nice to me because you should. because i really dont care and dont want you to waste your time on me. i am a real person. im not fake. marcia says that is why justin likes me so much... her sort of boyfriend. and it makes me feel good that someone likes me for me. even so, marcia was pretty mean to hugh the whole night, i still couldnt help but laugh at him even though he was making me mad with the things he was saying. its so obvious to me that hes hiding behind this image. not only that but he told me a lot of stuff that made it even more obvious the other night. but what ever. it just hurts that it has to be that way. im still going to take his pictures though if i have to tie him down. because his complextion and hair color and everything is the perfect look i was looking for for my male portraits. i really think that i could like him a lot. but i know that he wouldnt even let me try. he wouldnt let anyone.

so, his gf of 4 years gets caught bumpin someone else doesnt mean he has to take his pain out on the entire female race. he said they were going to start a chain of hotdog vending stands in burgaw. isnt that funny? hes such a cutie. but arrogant and materialistic. and all that happened that one night seems so unreal. it just seems like i made it all up in my head even though i know that i didnt. and i know i was not drunk. i was barely tipsy. if at all tipsy. its just strange that i didnt know him that morning and the next morning i was using his shower with the door open and walking around his house naked and completely comfortable looking for scattered earrings and clothes. it makes me laugh. too bad hes just like everyone else. just like everyone else is just like everyone else. all i meet are assholes with a lot of issues. they are all assholes and none of them realize why girls say that all the time. well never understand the opposite sex.

matt was right when he said that its easier to make someone cry and hurting their feelings make the scars deeper and last longer. its pretty sad that people are fucked up enough to enjoy indulging in watching people begging for a second glance. what is the world coming to? ive gotten some pretty deep scars here, but ive covered them up and ive forgotten about them enough to keep being happy. ill only pull them out to look at them when i want to remember what i deserve and where i want to go. and where i dont want to return. ill just never let my feelings get hurt again even if i have to fake it to myself. i dont like changing in some ways but ive been forced to change in some aspects. i wont be bitter, but im not the same as i was. innocence? im not innocent now, thats it i guess. i wanted to stay fairly innocent but it was inevitable that my lessons would bring me here. ive even been able to talk about myself which i never was able to do. its so strange. but the scars people have made on me will only cut into themselves in the long run. the blood will always be on their hands. and im already crying for them. yea yea yea. i just wont let my scars cause me to hurt other innocent people. people are so fragile. no one realizes how fragile people are when it comes to themselves and not being able to handle things. you know, ive been cut sooooo very deeply and its going to affect me and my choices in the future and its always going to be there to start bleeding when things happen. it already has affected my choices. i just bandage it up but it is there. if i was some weak person i would have commited suicide or something. and no one knows how deep it was. no one could see how real it was. no one reached out to stop it. because people are fake and its hard to know when someone means all they say. i hope i never have to go through another cut like that.

current mood: hopeful

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Sunday, June 17th, 2001
11:31 pm - random mail to robert.
do you believe in soul mates? you use to always seem a bit on the bitter side about life in general i guess. are you scared of love? companionship? girls? what is a guy's problem? why do i keep getting run over like an old bike behind a car in the driveway? do guys really like indulging in seeing a girl begging for a second glance? i'm such an emotional wreck and i don't want to be an old bitter lady who boxed all my emotions and pain up inside. but i'm turning that way. i'm losing all hope. and i don't know why i'm telling you. i guess cause you are a guy and maybe you understand the male race more than i as a female. i knew it meant nothing but i'm hurting myself. all i want and crave is companionship. a soul mate. a best friend. and i just keep getting hurt. why are guys so tough, insensitive and cold?

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